Wasting Chances

There’s a mile gone for every moment that I’m stuck in this school

Tired, Deprived, and Thirsty

It’s amazing how a person’s mood fluctuates throughout a day. It’s also pretty scary.

Our science week and intrams are finally over and now it’s back to regular hell. I woke up yesterday morning feeling battered physically (from playing too much volleyball and acquiring bruises), emotionally (from reading All The Bright Places and still feeling lost in general), and vocally (from cheering our house at every match they’ve got and practicing for the musical). I took a shower and I was surprised. The water was cold. I guess it was always cold but it never really bothered me until that day. For the whole year, even if I took a bath at 4 AM, the water was never cold to me. The water was friendly. It always was until that day. It made me feel scared.

I began to cheer for our house during volleyball and after that I went to the gym with some of my friends to watch the swimming competition. They promised they would watch with me. But the swimmers were just warming up and there weren’t any people so they decided to watch volleyball again. I let them lead me out of the gym and I lost my cheering spirit.

I was moping around for quite a while when I heard that they paged the swimmers. I decided to watch but I didn’t want to leave my friend alone. She tripped and sprained her ankle over a hole in the field. Stupid uneven field. How come the girls get the side with the uneven ground and no shade while the boys get the flat and shaded part? I gave her my juice then she left me for her other friend, her friend who plays frisbee. Dart in the heart? Maybe just a little. I’ve gotten used to people leaving me just because I don’t play the same sports as them. I think it’s very shallow but aren’t people always? We’re human, it happens.

At any rate, I’ve been left alone and I couldn’t take it anymore, there were people swimming and here I was, stuck on land and in the sunlight, so I decided to go the gym. The event that was happening was 50m breast for men and i just realized how much I missed swimming. God, it makes me ache so much, I just want the water around me again. I didn’t want to compete though. I wasn’t physically and mentally prepared for it. I was bruised and my legs hurt and I didn’t have the mindset for winning.

I joined my other friend who was watching as well and we let ourselves be amazed by the swimmers. I’ve never seen so many people swimming such a nice butterfly stroke. Maybe because I never joined the butterfly events in the previous competitions and I never bothered to watch because I was too nervous worrying for my own events.

Finally, it was the last event, 50m free for girls. And guess what. They called my name. They called my name. They said they also called me a while ago, for either back or for breast. They actually called me, they had a lane for me, I was supposed to swim, I was part of it, I actually made the cut, I could have swum, I could have been in the water, the water could have been around me, I would have finally been able to swim, finally, finally, finally, FINALLY, swim.

But I didn’t swim. Because I didn’t know. I timed instead for one of the other swimmers. I’m telling myself it’s alright. I don’t really want toswim to win. I just want to swim because I like swimming and I like the water. I was in no mood to compete.

But even if it was alright that I wasn’t able to compete, what’s not okay is that I wasn’t able to swim. I just missed one, big, great opportunity to be in the water again. I proceeded to the basketball court afterwards and i sat behind my friends. It was the interbatch basketball. I wouldn’t cry. There were people there. So there I was sitting behind my friends, breathing heavily, feeling like I was crying. I touched my face and thank god, it was dry. Which made me sad as well. Why did everything have to be dry? The air is harsh and it smells of sweat and rubber. The water is flowing and under there, nobody can disturb you.

We won the interbatch. I didn’t care. The volleyball finals was happening. I didn’t care. Let them lose without their only cheerer. They should have been grateful I was cheering the first few matches. Nobody even supported our house. I wasn’t in the mood. I lost my spirit with my chance to swim. So they lost. Serves them right. Volleyball, basketball, and frisbee aren’t the only games in intrams. It makes me mad so much. But whatever. I won’t care about their games because they don’t care about the others. Why won’t I be the one to change it then? Because everyone is too selfish.

The only thing that cheered me up a bit was watching our house beat the other house in the finals for basketball. It was an intense match in the court and that was the one I’ve wanted to watch since last year. But whatever. I don’t really care anymore.

During the whole day I was hiding from the prom committee. They wanted me to shoot another video. I’m great at hiding.

Okay, bye. Whatever.

“You are all the colors in one” (Unedited)

(I kind of write really late at night now so I don’t really get to edit but whatever.)

You know, I don’t mind if people don’t read this. In fact it would be great. Who cares about getting views, I made this blog for myself and not for the entertainment of other people. It can be lonely but I think I just like knowing it’s me and my friend here.

(Sorry to my roommates who must be wondering what the hell I am doing still awake with a light from a laptop and sounds from typing that may or may not be keeping them awake. I love you guys, help me get through this.)

It is 12:37 am and I have just finished reading All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven. That boy Finch just broke my heart and not in the usual way. He was there for a moment and then he was gone. He was amazing in those pages before everything started to go wrong. He was everything I wanted to be, and everything I didn’t want to. He liked the water.

And I felt like he understood me. LIke maybe, this author could actually understand me. Does he really have a bipolar disorder? Does that mean I have a bipolar disorder?

Don’t you dare leave me. We’re going through this together.

He reminds me of my friend so much. And I don’t want my friend to disappear into the black hole he’s been sinking in too. Please,please, please do not make me a Violet.

You know I hate that color.

I couldn’t bring myself to cry when they found his body. It was in the later parts when I started putting the situation in mine that I did and now there is that single tear splattered page.

I want you to read it then talk to me. I don’t know where to put a positive one here. I like how he thinks about water. That’s three of us in this world, 2 fictional and I’m still the only one here. I wonder if I’ll ever find a fourth one. Someone who is real.

Although the change in mood is sort of sickening (hi roommates i sense you are awake and i am sorry i’ll try to buy a nice keyboard cover thing to keep quiet during the night, don’t mind me please go back to sleep):

Weyhey on a different topic (brace yourself for spirit), intrams today was great-ish. Our house lost all three volley ball matches for girls against the others and we lost the interbatch basketball match to the Seniors. I don’t mind, our house isn’t really that coordinated and the Seniors are leaving soon so wee’ll just let them have their glory.

It’s kind of sad being infatuated (ew ok I said it I don’t know if that is the right term for it maybe idolizing is better) idolizing an upper year in the way that I do because I’m not just a regular fangirl (sad, he’s got so many) but it’s just that I’m truly amazed by him. Okay so the first time I saw him, he was wearing a yellow ID and I thought he was a new guy for our batch.I thought he was kind of not ugly and I thought wow there is hope for guys in our batch. I saw him a few more times but I never really got to ask who he was and what his section is. The next time I saw him he was the lead role in the upper year’s play. So looks, check. Acting, check. Through that play and my intense only-comes-out-when-needed stalking skills, I found his name and section. Ever since then I pay attention to him a lot more. I notice if he’s there and I see his name wherever. During a school wide event, his name got mentioned as one of those people who were consecutive Director’s List for second year. Amazing. This school is hard. Smart, check. Then I saw him play basketball and dear mother of all mackerels, that boy is amazing. It’s funny when he drives because he does this thing where he just goes like you think I’m going here but no LOL woops guess I shot a three pointer you weren’t able to block because he’s just that good I mean I swear!!! Then I see him playing frisbee with some guys and I wonder if this boy can get any more amazing than he already is. Amazing like Peter Parker. Let’s call him that. Sports, check. And here’s another one. I found out last year that he’s already got a date for prom (which is fine by me) but I discovered accidentally about it. I was looking through one of his batchmate’s photo albums when I saw pictures of his promposal. It was the same girl as his date was last year. I remember seeing their photo and thinking the girl is really pretty. Good job, Peter. I like your Gwen. So anyway, it was a picture of him playing the guitar, and giving her one of those toy flower things for kids. The twistable turnable ones that have a sort of rough velvet cloth thing. I have no idea what you call those but I think the idea is really nice because whatever you do, real flowers will die. And those toy ones won’t. OKAY SO HE WAS PLAYING THE GUITAR ever since them I wanted to ehar him sing. Music, check check check check check. Now the latest news I have is that he passed college exams for BS Mathematics (what even smart ass I’m doing so badly in math right now) and that he was able to get a scholarship in the other two universities. Passed for all the Big Three. Good job, Peter I am proud of you.

Writing makes me feel nice I feel like I can let go of him now.

Oh well, he was playing during the interbatch and I was confused whether I wanted him playing (so I get to be amazed by his super skills) or not (so that we could actually score some points or at least keep the ball to the other side of the court). We lost so meh.

I learned how to play volleyball today. My friend taught me how to serve so this girl and I just kept playing for hours since we didn’t ahve a game then. I think we played for at least an hour straight and it was great. At first it hurt so much and we couldn’t even serve straight but we eventually got better and another beginner joined us. She was a natural like wow, so amazing. After a while the pro people joined in (the ones playing for volleyball guys in intrams) and we asked them how to set and spike. All I did after that (and after everyone else left) was attempt to spike. looking at the sky is so pretty and having a ball to throw and catch while looking at the sky helps me not lose interest in it for a time.

(I REALLY AM SO SORRY ROOMMATES I’LL PRETEND TO BE WRITING AN ESSAY SORRY SORRY SORRRRYYYYY)

Last on the list (i think and I hope OH NO WAIT THERE’S ANOTHER ONE SORRY ROOMMATES LUV U LUV U LUV U) Swimming for finals is tomorrow. Someone just asked if I was simming tomorrow but the answer is lol no, how could we stand a chance when the three other teams have amazing swimmers who get to train and actually have more than one representative for each gender. Great job for our house who left me and my guy classmate a lone to swim four events, one heat each. I really hate it how if we had swimmers for a second heat our chances of getting in would be so much bigger ajnkgjansd. It seems that not everyone is as passionate about the water as I am. They just don’t understand. They don’t see it. Whatever. I’ll respect them.

Oh yeah, my arms are bruised from playing volley ball. My volley playing best friend is proud. So I’m happy.

Last last thing. Tomorrow I’m shooting the second to the last interactive video for prom. Did I already write about that? Whatever. It’s just really embarrassing and I cannot wait to get this over and done with so I never have to look back on it ever again.

I think that is all for today. It’s 1:09 AM but I don’t mind.

Hey, one day I’m going to hand over All The Bright Places with a Post It of just a long sad face and you’re going to have to read it okay? Goodnight, pleasant dreams.

Do keep this blog a secret. It’s like a diary I don’t want anyone else to read. And thank you for encouraging me to write again. This feels liberating. Thank you.

WANTED: Motivation. REWARD: Extreme gratitude. (Unedited)

These past few weeks have been even more stressful than how my life usually is and that is mainly because of exams I think.

Actually, to be honest, I think I’m getting very sick of responsibilities right now. Maybe it’s just my usual being affected by the show I watch but I think I’m serious this time. I’ve been thinking about it for a while really.

Exams were last week and they were as dark and as cold as ever. I’ve never felt so caged in my whole life. It’s like everytime I try to think, all I can see is a dark, muddy, gray and I feel invisible bars around me. The pressure of keeping up my grades; I think it’s getting too much. It’s the same as the first time I came here. I felt so time-pressured with all the long tests in one week and all the questions you had to anwer. I never felt that way before because everything was easy for me. But it’s somehow very different here. If you think about it, it’s a challenge. And of course I’d take up a challenge, but sometimes I think it’s too much and I need a break. I felt the same way I did during my exams the last time. I tried to study but as I flipped through the questionnaire the moment we got them, a feeling of dread started overwhelming me. That wouldn’t bring me down of course but as the bell signified there were 5 minutes left when I haven’t answered at least 15 questions with a lot of computation, I think I accepted my fate of failure. That was the last exam of the first day of hell: Chemistry. After that, I just started giving up. Not only on studying for the rest of the exams but also on school in general as well.

I started questioning even more why I was in this school. A week before exams, we were given a project where we had to answer this question: “What is your dream?”. That really got me wondering because nothing has been making me happy except the arts during that time. I began to think, “What if I wasn’t meant for science?”. I decided to play darts with my roommate’s Possible Courses We Can Take After We Graduate list and nope, they didn’t hit any science course. I tried my best to aim for one but it wouldn’t just hit. I know it’s crazy but I started to seriously doubt why I was in this school. I somehow ended up with Community Nutrition (which I guess was my goal as a doctor was), IntarMed (which is a course me and my family agree on), and something that was physics plus medicine (I like physics). None of them seemed as appealing as they did before and I realized i was starting to lose my motivation.

Let’s go back another week. Happy New Year to everyone, I’m bad at resolutions but I’ve decided to be a mermaid. Yes, a mermaid. I want to be able to feel pretty inside and out, I want to be able to sing and most of all, I want to swim. The thing is, I don’t really know any smart mermaids and I kinda already set my heart on that resolution. That got me thinking why I should study.

ONe of the most frequent discussions my friends and i usually have is that what would have happened if our parents were all more supporive about our interests in the arts because we really love them and that we don’t care about the money we earn. Maybe we will in the future, but I want to be happy. What’s so wrong about that? Wouldn’t it be better to make not that much money but at least you’re happy, rather than being so damn rich but unhappy? I don’t even know anymore if science can make me happy. What is the value of life? Is it money or happiness? Is it love? Is it family?

I really don’t know what’s happening anymore.

I cannot stress how much I want to swim. I want to compete again. I was happy when I was competing so maybe if I try, I can find happiness again.  I think it would be an experiment to start training again because it may not be really for me, but this is one experiment I would risk everything for. The problem is, I have no idea where to go swimming. The clubhouses at ou villages have dirty pools meant for entertainment and are not the kinds of pools I want or need and it’s s hard to find a place to train because I do not know this city. It’s too big and urban for my family who has lived small quiet lives in calm villages ever since forever. They’re too afraid to explore it and I am too. I would train at San Beda but the thing is it’s so far so that even if my mother allows me and she does, she doesn’t let me go because I have no means of transportation to get my butt there and back. I can’t train here in my school because our swim club sucks hardcore. We meet but I don’t attend practice because who even sets practice during lunch break on Fridays? Why would you do that? I don’t even know ugh. San Beda is my closest hope.

Another thing why I feel so caged is because of all the other responsibilities I have. Being the president of the drama club, there are so many activities our adviser would like us to have so i help her plan it but then she decides everything is scrap and suddenly goes with this spontaneous plan. Sure, it’s fun but with all the other stressful things in my life right now I don’t know if I can take it. Speaking of acting, there’s this other thing. I’ve been asked to act for the promotional videos for our prom this coming February, and I accepted it because I want to get rid of my stage fright. (Yes, president of the drama club with stage fright. I am president because I organize.) So I decided to do it, also as a favor to my classmates who were the head of prom committee. But once I started filming it, I had a bad feeling it was going to be a bad iea. They’re so desperate to try to get people to be hyped for prom, but no one’s feeling it. Not even moe, who is shooting promotional videos for them. The story is I am a girl who is going to prompose. It’s goiing to be an interactive video and video two has just been released. I think the third one is finally going to be the act of promposing itself. BUt it’s not like I’m actually going to go with the guy. It’s just scripted. The thing is, I don’t really feel like it helped me get over mys tage fright. In fact, I’m so embarrassed that I tell people my name is Nick and I am a transfer student. OF course they don’t buy it (why would they) but I’m still very embarrassed. Just this morning there was an upperclassman who asked me if I was the girl in the prom videos then I just denied it hurriedly and hid behind my friend. So the fact that I still have to deal with this video is stressing me. The guy I’m going to be asking though, is sort of a friend of mine so it’s okay. He’s the guitarist in our band that on the Battle of the Bands thing and that’s another problem. Our band is going to be performing for prom and it’s less than a month away so we have to start rehearsing but I hvan’t had the time at ALL to even touch my bass case, how am I supposed to know what we’re playing? We don’t even have a final setlist yet and they expect me to learn everything.  I don’t have that much free tim on my hands and my stress levels go up more easily than theirs. They’re laid back and can take their responsibilites. Then for prom, there’s the outfit. Dear mother of jesus, WHY must our prom outfit have to have so much effort put into it? My mom and I finally ofund a dress in a mall but not after she got at mad me again. Then there’s the matter of the musical we’re having in school. We’re doing RENT and I got cast as Joanne. The play will be staged on March something, before the final exams, but we’re already starting practices because the one leading. This is the first time she’s been this… pushy? Bossy? NOt really but I guess in a good way maybe? She’s really passionate about it and that’s cool but when someone is not in the mood to practice, you can’t just force him or her because then the rehersals would just be a waste of time and effort.  The thing is that I’m already stressed so I try to listen to music but this musical thing is starting to take even my muic away from me because we ahve to be familiarized with the songs already. I can’t even open facebook without being reminded of all the responsibilities laid in front of me and I just want to get rid of them all one by one but I have no idea what order.

What if i don’t want to do my responsibilities anymore? What if I’ve had enough of it. I’m so SICK of it already. I want to give up.

All I know is that I feel caged and I don’t like it. I want to be free again. I want to feel like I actually like what I’m doing but right now, I’m sinking. And it’s a drowning feeling that I really don’t like. To be honest, I just want to swim. Swimming lets me think. The water is a friend. The water calms my mind. I want to get back in the water; I’ve been deprived of it so long.

Maybe my serotonin/dopamine/endorphin levels are just low or maybe i’m lacking GABA or something. Maybe I don’t have enough oxytocin if you want to be all scientific or whatever. But You know talking to a friend does help. I talked to my friend a while ago. I’m so glad he’s here for me. He da bomb. Talking to him helped em calm down a little, but I still haven’t solved any of my problems.

Ugh, I’m going to bed. At least for a moment, in my own thoughts, I can take a moment away from te hectic mess I’ve got myself caught up in. Then maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow with new vigor. But it’s still the same sun, and I’ll probably still have all my problems.

Thy told me to think life is a game and i”ve just got to play it well but honestly, I don’t even have the energy to motivate myself anymore. Nope.