Month: February 2015
Why
Why does everyone have to be away?
if they’re not in some far-off country i can’t visit
they’re probably away, lost in their own sea of thoughts i just can’t dive into
Why does everyone have to be away?
and why do i feel so alone
What is happening?
Protected: For a Friend
Questions in My Head
Primarily: Where do scientists even get their funds?
And now for the others: Who says we’re alone?
How can some people believe that
when out there, there are billions of galaxies
yet to be discovered?
How can they think that mermaids aren’t real,
that sea monsters don’t exist,
when there are so many parts of the ocean
yet to be explored?
I believe that there are others out there
That our human brains can never be creative enough
to think about it
I think we’ll never expect what they look like
And I believe they don’t look
like they’re from Hollywood.
I believe the ocean is scary
but I also believe it is magnificent
The water is amazing,
holding all kinds of creatures in it,
and having the power to keep us alive
but to kill us as well.
But what if we’re already so close to discovering something new? What if we really just can’t see them, because we can’t see in the spectrum of light they use?What if we can’t hear them because their scale of hearing is different from ours? What if it’s not all the same out there? What if they have colors we’ve never seen before? What if they see a rainbow for the first time? There are so many possibilities! What if, what if, what if?
Our Own Heads
We’re in our own heads
– Anonymous
We’re in our own heads
that explains the darkness I’ve been seeing
the same one that slowly creeps up from my toes
to my heart
to my head
and to everyday actions
but now i’m Awake
and guess what
I realized how much the mind
is a prison we trap ourselves in
and it’s great
because once you realize that,
you can see the light
finally see the light
and as you reach for it
you know everything’s going to be okay
because we’re all in our own heads
but we have a say in what we think
If you have good thoughts, they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.
-Roald Dahl
I FOUND IT
What if I don’t have to leave the water?
I’ve thought of this before, once in 6th grade, when I was too busy being happy about the present and just played along with whatever the adults said about what I should do for my future.
This is amazing, I don’t have to be a doctor just because they tell me too. It’s going to be hard explaining to my family though and yes, I admit that at some point in my life I did want it, but there are other options. It’s not even high school based on Japanese (high quality Asian) standards, I’m sure I can make this work. I definitely can.
Okay, so that’s one more list to possible future plans, but I really like this one. I feel Awake. As in not awake but Awake, with a capital ‘A’.
Marine biology sounds amazing. Imagine it, science plus the water. Why didn’t I think of it earlier??? I could go ahead and apply everything I’ve learned in this school but still be in my homeland, at my base, yes! Just thinking about it makes me happy. LIke, super happy. But I want to be sure.
If I want to pursue this, I’m going to have to have high biology grades, good understanding in the physics and chemical parts of water, and something about atmospheric science according to wikipedia. Well, I could use some improvement in biology, physics, and chemistry.
But don’t worry, this is the last quarter, and my last chance for third year high school to prove myself worthy of what career I’ve thought of so far.
Thank god, I’ve found motivation. Yes! Everything is so much clearer now. Okay, I’m going to write a bit more maybe, then I’ll get back to studying.
Can I just say I’m excited for the future?
What Am I Doing
What am I doing here
Not here in general
Not here existential
But here in the darkness of my thoughts
That cling to my head
Maybe I want to stay here
I hope I don’t
I hope I get sick of it
Maybe I already am
If yes, then thank god
I hope I get out of here soon enough
I’m going to find a way out of here.
There’s a light and a ladder.
I’ll climb it.
(picture from tumblr, goodnight)
Know Sounds Pretty Weird Now
I woke up today with the usual heavy feeling in my chest. Was it because I dreaded going to school? Was it because of the previous things? I don’t know. I think so.
It took a few losing games of solitaire before I stood up from my bed. I went over to the dresser. The air was cold. I felt unwelcome. I had to step out of the fan’s way because it was so cold.
My mother was watching TV in the next room. I didn’t want to go out because I didn’t want to have to bother to talk. Finally, I decided to step out. Thank god she didn’t say anything,
I went down the stairs. Oh great, it smells like smoke. That’s why my mother was upstairs. I made my way to the bathroom. It still smelled like smoke. I heard the sound of the TV being turned on and heavy footsteps down the stairs.
I went out and proceeded to eat. I poured myself a glass of lemonade, grabbed some of the egg and fish, and scooped a serving of rice. Eating made me feel a bit better. Or was it the news? That somewhere out there, there are people feeling worse than I? And what if it was that that relieved me? Am I that bad of a person? I don’t really know. Maybe I am.
I was feeling better just a tiny bit when my mother joined me. I was always in a rush when eating breakfast. She only asked if there were things for her to sign. I said no. Then I stood up and went upstairs.
What causes the deep feeling? It’s like the Jovian-Plutonian Gravitational Effect but opposite. Free falling butfree falling hard. As if I’m falling but I’m in quick-sand. LIke I’m drowning? Black hole?
Theory of the Very Small and Theory of the Very Big. Names so simple that are related to black holes. I’ve forgotten what exactly they are but I do remember that in black holes, there are particles that exist for a moment, bump each other, and then disappear. I just realized how sad that is. It’s happening right now somewhere out there and I can’t really see it but then I don’t really mind. I don’t really care. Let them do what they want.
I wonder if he knows. Does he know? Do you know? I don’t know. Maybe. Whatever. You sounded like you knew. So maybe you do, well, hi. I guess I’m here.
I wonder if the immune system responds to those kind of heavy feelings. Imagine the white blood cells so confused, rushing to the heart and not finding any pathogens to kill. What if it is caused by a pathogen? What if it’s an imaginary pathogen? A mental pathogen? A crazy pathogen? What if I’m just sad because I let myself stay in here, in this darkness? I don’t really know anymore. At any rate, I want to know what the white blood cells think and do. Oh little white blood cells, little do you know about the body you make up and how it’s doing in this world so big, interacting with other people made of little white blood cells too.
Oh but what if they do know? That would be amazing. They’re amazing. You’re amazing. This is amazing. I don’t know what it even means anymore.
I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I don’t know I WANT TO KNOW
I'd Rather Be In Neverland 