WANTED: Motivation. REWARD: Extreme gratitude. (Unedited)

These past few weeks have been even more stressful than how my life usually is and that is mainly because of exams I think.

Actually, to be honest, I think I’m getting very sick of responsibilities right now. Maybe it’s just my usual being affected by the show I watch but I think I’m serious this time. I’ve been thinking about it for a while really.

Exams were last week and they were as dark and as cold as ever. I’ve never felt so caged in my whole life. It’s like everytime I try to think, all I can see is a dark, muddy, gray and I feel invisible bars around me. The pressure of keeping up my grades; I think it’s getting too much. It’s the same as the first time I came here. I felt so time-pressured with all the long tests in one week and all the questions you had to anwer. I never felt that way before because everything was easy for me. But it’s somehow very different here. If you think about it, it’s a challenge. And of course I’d take up a challenge, but sometimes I think it’s too much and I need a break. I felt the same way I did during my exams the last time. I tried to study but as I flipped through the questionnaire the moment we got them, a feeling of dread started overwhelming me. That wouldn’t bring me down of course but as the bell signified there were 5 minutes left when I haven’t answered at least 15 questions with a lot of computation, I think I accepted my fate of failure. That was the last exam of the first day of hell: Chemistry. After that, I just started giving up. Not only on studying for the rest of the exams but also on school in general as well.

I started questioning even more why I was in this school. A week before exams, we were given a project where we had to answer this question: “What is your dream?”. That really got me wondering because nothing has been making me happy except the arts during that time. I began to think, “What if I wasn’t meant for science?”. I decided to play darts with my roommate’s Possible Courses We Can Take After We Graduate list and nope, they didn’t hit any science course. I tried my best to aim for one but it wouldn’t just hit. I know it’s crazy but I started to seriously doubt why I was in this school. I somehow ended up with Community Nutrition (which I guess was my goal as a doctor was), IntarMed (which is a course me and my family agree on), and something that was physics plus medicine (I like physics). None of them seemed as appealing as they did before and I realized i was starting to lose my motivation.

Let’s go back another week. Happy New Year to everyone, I’m bad at resolutions but I’ve decided to be a mermaid. Yes, a mermaid. I want to be able to feel pretty inside and out, I want to be able to sing and most of all, I want to swim. The thing is, I don’t really know any smart mermaids and I kinda already set my heart on that resolution. That got me thinking why I should study.

ONe of the most frequent discussions my friends and i usually have is that what would have happened if our parents were all more supporive about our interests in the arts because we really love them and that we don’t care about the money we earn. Maybe we will in the future, but I want to be happy. What’s so wrong about that? Wouldn’t it be better to make not that much money but at least you’re happy, rather than being so damn rich but unhappy? I don’t even know anymore if science can make me happy. What is the value of life? Is it money or happiness? Is it love? Is it family?

I really don’t know what’s happening anymore.

I cannot stress how much I want to swim. I want to compete again. I was happy when I was competing so maybe if I try, I can find happiness again.  I think it would be an experiment to start training again because it may not be really for me, but this is one experiment I would risk everything for. The problem is, I have no idea where to go swimming. The clubhouses at ou villages have dirty pools meant for entertainment and are not the kinds of pools I want or need and it’s s hard to find a place to train because I do not know this city. It’s too big and urban for my family who has lived small quiet lives in calm villages ever since forever. They’re too afraid to explore it and I am too. I would train at San Beda but the thing is it’s so far so that even if my mother allows me and she does, she doesn’t let me go because I have no means of transportation to get my butt there and back. I can’t train here in my school because our swim club sucks hardcore. We meet but I don’t attend practice because who even sets practice during lunch break on Fridays? Why would you do that? I don’t even know ugh. San Beda is my closest hope.

Another thing why I feel so caged is because of all the other responsibilities I have. Being the president of the drama club, there are so many activities our adviser would like us to have so i help her plan it but then she decides everything is scrap and suddenly goes with this spontaneous plan. Sure, it’s fun but with all the other stressful things in my life right now I don’t know if I can take it. Speaking of acting, there’s this other thing. I’ve been asked to act for the promotional videos for our prom this coming February, and I accepted it because I want to get rid of my stage fright. (Yes, president of the drama club with stage fright. I am president because I organize.) So I decided to do it, also as a favor to my classmates who were the head of prom committee. But once I started filming it, I had a bad feeling it was going to be a bad iea. They’re so desperate to try to get people to be hyped for prom, but no one’s feeling it. Not even moe, who is shooting promotional videos for them. The story is I am a girl who is going to prompose. It’s goiing to be an interactive video and video two has just been released. I think the third one is finally going to be the act of promposing itself. BUt it’s not like I’m actually going to go with the guy. It’s just scripted. The thing is, I don’t really feel like it helped me get over mys tage fright. In fact, I’m so embarrassed that I tell people my name is Nick and I am a transfer student. OF course they don’t buy it (why would they) but I’m still very embarrassed. Just this morning there was an upperclassman who asked me if I was the girl in the prom videos then I just denied it hurriedly and hid behind my friend. So the fact that I still have to deal with this video is stressing me. The guy I’m going to be asking though, is sort of a friend of mine so it’s okay. He’s the guitarist in our band that on the Battle of the Bands thing and that’s another problem. Our band is going to be performing for prom and it’s less than a month away so we have to start rehearsing but I hvan’t had the time at ALL to even touch my bass case, how am I supposed to know what we’re playing? We don’t even have a final setlist yet and they expect me to learn everything.  I don’t have that much free tim on my hands and my stress levels go up more easily than theirs. They’re laid back and can take their responsibilites. Then for prom, there’s the outfit. Dear mother of jesus, WHY must our prom outfit have to have so much effort put into it? My mom and I finally ofund a dress in a mall but not after she got at mad me again. Then there’s the matter of the musical we’re having in school. We’re doing RENT and I got cast as Joanne. The play will be staged on March something, before the final exams, but we’re already starting practices because the one leading. This is the first time she’s been this… pushy? Bossy? NOt really but I guess in a good way maybe? She’s really passionate about it and that’s cool but when someone is not in the mood to practice, you can’t just force him or her because then the rehersals would just be a waste of time and effort.  The thing is that I’m already stressed so I try to listen to music but this musical thing is starting to take even my muic away from me because we ahve to be familiarized with the songs already. I can’t even open facebook without being reminded of all the responsibilities laid in front of me and I just want to get rid of them all one by one but I have no idea what order.

What if i don’t want to do my responsibilities anymore? What if I’ve had enough of it. I’m so SICK of it already. I want to give up.

All I know is that I feel caged and I don’t like it. I want to be free again. I want to feel like I actually like what I’m doing but right now, I’m sinking. And it’s a drowning feeling that I really don’t like. To be honest, I just want to swim. Swimming lets me think. The water is a friend. The water calms my mind. I want to get back in the water; I’ve been deprived of it so long.

Maybe my serotonin/dopamine/endorphin levels are just low or maybe i’m lacking GABA or something. Maybe I don’t have enough oxytocin if you want to be all scientific or whatever. But You know talking to a friend does help. I talked to my friend a while ago. I’m so glad he’s here for me. He da bomb. Talking to him helped em calm down a little, but I still haven’t solved any of my problems.

Ugh, I’m going to bed. At least for a moment, in my own thoughts, I can take a moment away from te hectic mess I’ve got myself caught up in. Then maybe I’ll wake up tomorrow with new vigor. But it’s still the same sun, and I’ll probably still have all my problems.

Thy told me to think life is a game and i”ve just got to play it well but honestly, I don’t even have the energy to motivate myself anymore. Nope.

The Reality of My School Part 1: Stress

“You made it through one week of school and it’s a Friday.

Go on, take a nap and have a good dessert. You deserve it.”

Reading this, I realized that, yes wow, I do deserve a good nap and a good dessert. Which made me wonder: why don’t I nap and eat good food again? Then I remembered.

I don’t have the time.

This is one of the really annoying things of being in an advanced science school. We’re never really given that much time to not do schoolwork. Every Friday from the dorm inside campus I go back to my house which is approximately 2-4 hours away from school depending on traffic. I arrive at around 9 or 10 in the evening and go to sleep at around 1 am trying to finish as much homework as possible. Then I wake up around 10 the next day and immediately start again, sometimes forgetting to eat and only noticing I’m hungry when my mom comes in my room with food. Up until Sunday 12 midnight I’m still trying to finish requirements.

Of course there are a lot of factors that lead to these late hours such as the time I take for procrastination but I’ve been working on it and recently it’s becoming less and less. The late hours still don’t change. Even as I write this now and as you read this whenever, I’m still probably going to have a huge mountain of requirements, or reqs, as we call them, piled all over me and I’m probably not going to grow any taller because of my lack of sleep.

I’m really getting worried for my health now, there’s such thing as a broken heart syndrome and it happens when a person is exposed to stress for long periods of time. I’m not the only one who’s scared. All my classmates and batchmates are. Especially since this year is when we branch out into 3 sciences and 2 maths. They’re all basic but that doesn’t mean the stress is high.

That’s not all, I mean, the week hasn’t even started and you’re already given 2 papers, 2 lab reports, 2 long tests, 3 chapters to read and take notes on, quizzes, and homeworks to complete and study for and the week hasn’t even started. To be honest, they seem kind of little but not with the quality that the teachers demand. They have really high expectations and from a school where everything was easy for me and I was at the top, I kind of have pretty high expectations too.

Because of this stress, I don’t even have the time to have a decent night’s sleep much less take a nap and if ever I do get the time to take a nap during a study break, I wouldn’t be surprised if I woke up 6AM the next day already.

Sigh I guess I should get back to my homework. It’s already 2 AM, maybe I can get dessert tomorrow.