(I kind of write really late at night now so I don’t really get to edit but whatever.)
You know, I don’t mind if people don’t read this. In fact it would be great. Who cares about getting views, I made this blog for myself and not for the entertainment of other people. It can be lonely but I think I just like knowing it’s me and my friend here.
(Sorry to my roommates who must be wondering what the hell I am doing still awake with a light from a laptop and sounds from typing that may or may not be keeping them awake. I love you guys, help me get through this.)
It is 12:37 am and I have just finished reading All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven. That boy Finch just broke my heart and not in the usual way. He was there for a moment and then he was gone. He was amazing in those pages before everything started to go wrong. He was everything I wanted to be, and everything I didn’t want to. He liked the water.
And I felt like he understood me. LIke maybe, this author could actually understand me. Does he really have a bipolar disorder? Does that mean I have a bipolar disorder?
Don’t you dare leave me. We’re going through this together.
He reminds me of my friend so much. And I don’t want my friend to disappear into the black hole he’s been sinking in too. Please,please, please do not make me a Violet.
You know I hate that color.
I couldn’t bring myself to cry when they found his body. It was in the later parts when I started putting the situation in mine that I did and now there is that single tear splattered page.
I want you to read it then talk to me. I don’t know where to put a positive one here. I like how he thinks about water. That’s three of us in this world, 2 fictional and I’m still the only one here. I wonder if I’ll ever find a fourth one. Someone who is real.
Although the change in mood is sort of sickening (hi roommates i sense you are awake and i am sorry i’ll try to buy a nice keyboard cover thing to keep quiet during the night, don’t mind me please go back to sleep):
Weyhey on a different topic (brace yourself for spirit), intrams today was great-ish. Our house lost all three volley ball matches for girls against the others and we lost the interbatch basketball match to the Seniors. I don’t mind, our house isn’t really that coordinated and the Seniors are leaving soon so wee’ll just let them have their glory.
It’s kind of sad being infatuated (ew ok I said it I don’t know if that is the right term for it maybe idolizing is better) idolizing an upper year in the way that I do because I’m not just a regular fangirl (sad, he’s got so many) but it’s just that I’m truly amazed by him. Okay so the first time I saw him, he was wearing a yellow ID and I thought he was a new guy for our batch.I thought he was kind of not ugly and I thought wow there is hope for guys in our batch. I saw him a few more times but I never really got to ask who he was and what his section is. The next time I saw him he was the lead role in the upper year’s play. So looks, check. Acting, check. Through that play and my intense only-comes-out-when-needed stalking skills, I found his name and section. Ever since then I pay attention to him a lot more. I notice if he’s there and I see his name wherever. During a school wide event, his name got mentioned as one of those people who were consecutive Director’s List for second year. Amazing. This school is hard. Smart, check. Then I saw him play basketball and dear mother of all mackerels, that boy is amazing. It’s funny when he drives because he does this thing where he just goes like you think I’m going here but no LOL woops guess I shot a three pointer you weren’t able to block because he’s just that good I mean I swear!!! Then I see him playing frisbee with some guys and I wonder if this boy can get any more amazing than he already is. Amazing like Peter Parker. Let’s call him that. Sports, check. And here’s another one. I found out last year that he’s already got a date for prom (which is fine by me) but I discovered accidentally about it. I was looking through one of his batchmate’s photo albums when I saw pictures of his promposal. It was the same girl as his date was last year. I remember seeing their photo and thinking the girl is really pretty. Good job, Peter. I like your Gwen. So anyway, it was a picture of him playing the guitar, and giving her one of those toy flower things for kids. The twistable turnable ones that have a sort of rough velvet cloth thing. I have no idea what you call those but I think the idea is really nice because whatever you do, real flowers will die. And those toy ones won’t. OKAY SO HE WAS PLAYING THE GUITAR ever since them I wanted to ehar him sing. Music, check check check check check. Now the latest news I have is that he passed college exams for BS Mathematics (what even smart ass I’m doing so badly in math right now) and that he was able to get a scholarship in the other two universities. Passed for all the Big Three. Good job, Peter I am proud of you.
Writing makes me feel nice I feel like I can let go of him now.
Oh well, he was playing during the interbatch and I was confused whether I wanted him playing (so I get to be amazed by his super skills) or not (so that we could actually score some points or at least keep the ball to the other side of the court). We lost so meh.
I learned how to play volleyball today. My friend taught me how to serve so this girl and I just kept playing for hours since we didn’t ahve a game then. I think we played for at least an hour straight and it was great. At first it hurt so much and we couldn’t even serve straight but we eventually got better and another beginner joined us. She was a natural like wow, so amazing. After a while the pro people joined in (the ones playing for volleyball guys in intrams) and we asked them how to set and spike. All I did after that (and after everyone else left) was attempt to spike. looking at the sky is so pretty and having a ball to throw and catch while looking at the sky helps me not lose interest in it for a time.
(I REALLY AM SO SORRY ROOMMATES I’LL PRETEND TO BE WRITING AN ESSAY SORRY SORRY SORRRRYYYYY)
Last on the list (i think and I hope OH NO WAIT THERE’S ANOTHER ONE SORRY ROOMMATES LUV U LUV U LUV U) Swimming for finals is tomorrow. Someone just asked if I was simming tomorrow but the answer is lol no, how could we stand a chance when the three other teams have amazing swimmers who get to train and actually have more than one representative for each gender. Great job for our house who left me and my guy classmate a lone to swim four events, one heat each. I really hate it how if we had swimmers for a second heat our chances of getting in would be so much bigger ajnkgjansd. It seems that not everyone is as passionate about the water as I am. They just don’t understand. They don’t see it. Whatever. I’ll respect them.
Oh yeah, my arms are bruised from playing volley ball. My volley playing best friend is proud. So I’m happy.
Last last thing. Tomorrow I’m shooting the second to the last interactive video for prom. Did I already write about that? Whatever. It’s just really embarrassing and I cannot wait to get this over and done with so I never have to look back on it ever again.
I think that is all for today. It’s 1:09 AM but I don’t mind.
Hey, one day I’m going to hand over All The Bright Places with a Post It of just a long sad face and you’re going to have to read it okay? Goodnight, pleasant dreams.
Do keep this blog a secret. It’s like a diary I don’t want anyone else to read. And thank you for encouraging me to write again. This feels liberating. Thank you.